confusion

The story goes that I used to never read, much less study, books. I played guitar and that was about it. Then when I discovered philosophy all of that changed (around 17), and for the next several years my life was almost exclusively about reading. Playing music became a very rare activity.

Now, in the past few months, I've taken up music again, yet I find myself finding reading to be just an option, whereas it used to be a compulsion (when I was a teenager it was music that was the compulsion). And now music has sort of become the compulsion again.

So my mind is a house divided. It disturbs me. I want to do both and I want to do both compulsively. As it stands I almost alternate days. On Guitar Days I read a little but not much; on Reading Days I play a little but not much.

One good thing to come out of it is I'm having a kind of a renaissance with one of "My Authors," and that is Hammett. My interest in him has been scarce the past year or so but now he seems like the only person I really want to read. So that's the silver lining.

Jack Agonistes: The Tribulations of Jack Bauer